Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
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[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that