abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
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doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
*lint rolls you awake*
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.