You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
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15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!