When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
You Might Also Like
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.