Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
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That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”