That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
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I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬