*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
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Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah