Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
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My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
doing your own taxes
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”