Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
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playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
ME: Green Lobster!
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.