@GingerHotDish Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
@NikkiGlaser What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
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@GingerHotDish 
@peteholmes playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
@mrjohntofu I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
@Scorpio1080 “Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
@dave_cactus [at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
@ArfMeasures THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
@weirdreviewss 
@DanMentos [commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
@Holy_Mowgli [meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
@Smethanie Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.