What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
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rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.