@NikkiGlaser

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

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@GingerHotDish

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

@peteholmes

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

@mrjohntofu

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

@Scorpio1080

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

@dave_cactus

[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…

@DanMentos

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

@Smethanie

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.