if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
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A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.