There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
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Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
me when I see my crush
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
no refunds
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
we all know this pain all too well
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.