If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
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7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.