@AndreyasAsylum Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
@TheBoydP I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
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@AndreyasAsylum 
@UncleDuke1969 In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
@QwertyJones3 Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
@LackOfShame *Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
@buseysteeth You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
@Sanbel11 Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
@SortaBad “I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
@imteddybless if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
@Smug_Lemur It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
@Rollmaninoz *office*
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Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email