I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
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Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
j o i m p
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Okay