Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
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WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.