My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
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I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob