Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
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Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
This is why I hate group projects
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
A leaf blower, but for people.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.