wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
You Might Also Like
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
This checks out
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Duolingo getting serious.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,