Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
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I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
when you don’t want to be too vague
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life