“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
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My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
just left a huge legacy in there
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying