All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
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I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
This bar smells like my childhood.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.