Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
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Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Every. Damn. Time.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
The news in a nutshell.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.