Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
You Might Also Like
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
scares
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.