Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
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Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭