There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
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I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
People buying plungers never look happy.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress