Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
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If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.