I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
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Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane