I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

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My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.


“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people


Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*


Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.


I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.


Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.


I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.


Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.