How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
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ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…