The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
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I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit