Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
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The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Me, in DM rooms…
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.