The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
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When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!