Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
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*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
how high up are we talkin’?
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”