Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
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hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie