Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
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When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby