Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
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When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
having children is a pyramid scheme.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on