@DannyZuker Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
@BuddWest Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
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@DannyZuker 
@breatheandlove No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
@mrtruthandsoul Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
@UnFitz Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
@PeteSnacks Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
@spittingllama_ When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
@VaguelyFunnyDan The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
@noog If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
@Angrea You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
@ilovepie84 My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.