Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
You Might Also Like
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.