@BuddWest

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

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@DannyZuker

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

@mrtruthandsoul

Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation

@UnFitz

Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.

The office holiday party is next week.

Coincidence?

@PeteSnacks

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.

@spittingllama_

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

@noog

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

@Angrea

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

@ilovepie84

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.