This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
You Might Also Like
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.