beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
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getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
oh shit
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.