Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
You Might Also Like
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
I wish I could veto my bills.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?