Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
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Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
can’t bark with your mouth full
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.