Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
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To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
The point of your 20s
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people