ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
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POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops