11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
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When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF