[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
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No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*