If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
You Might Also Like
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
translated into Canadian
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.