Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
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just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Me when my alarm goes off
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
i’m sure it’s fine
Meeeee too!
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry