I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
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The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*