Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
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My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”