Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
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Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more