My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
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I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
why does this building look like a guilty dog
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Donkey Kong sommelier
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Effort made