Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
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And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
“no gods no masters” = leo
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby: