You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
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I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.