I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
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Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I love the honesty
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.