I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
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New comic up. “Ransom”
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
A dead goose is called a ghoost
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.