I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
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*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Huge, if true.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Who does Amazon think I am?
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.